Psythor's Nineteenth Birthday! :: News

Reported by Psythor on Sat 03 Jun 2006 11:41:11 UTC
Last updated by Psythor on Sat 03 Jun 2006 11:41:11 UTC

As you may have noticed, the birthday of this site's founder happened to coincide with some major downtime from the server. We've got the inside scoop...

This news item is more than 45 days old. Updates are unlikely and newer information may already be available.

What with the World Cup coming up, I'm sure you'll all be thorougly aware that yesterday, the second day of the sixth month of the year, was the day Uefa banned all English clubs from participating in European competitions.

Although many of you probably don't care about that. Maybe you remember the date by its far greater anniversary - the annual celebration of the birth of James, aka Psythor, the proud creator of the site (empire) you see around you.

Of course, we're very aware today is the 3rd of June and not the 2nd, but that was unavoidable. We were all desperate to celebrate the fact that our leader can now legally rent a car in Austria, which is why before posting the planned update yesterday, we chose to have a massive party to celebrate his greatness. We've got the inside scoop...

In true road trip style, James took other staff members on a road trip in his Austrian-rented car to where our server is hosted. Taking his trusty guinea pig, not content with leaving it in the care of dubious Pepsi-drinking politicians, he set out...

After the usual car crashing, stay over in dubious places and car chases with the police, XXX supporters and the National Butcher's Association (don't ask), we made it there, only to meet with disappointment. Having been taken over by the ITV fanclub, a group desiring world-domination through reality TV and shows about celebrities doing absolutely nothing, by taking over our servers and using it to broadcast live streams of Celebrity Pop Idol Wrestling Backstage. We obviously could not allow this to happen.

In true James Bond style, we, led by James O'Malley (the first name isn't a coincidence!), outfitted ourself with futuristic gadgets, getting our operator to load portable subspace radios, long range paintball guns and, of course, MP3-players with proper punk music.

We drove in with our now-heavily modified Austrian van, pretending to deliver the horses for the new "Your Horse Makeover, My Horse Makeover".

The Britney Spears-listening, fashionable fangirls walked in (running wouldn't be cool, and what if they broke a toenail?) but were immediately hit with this oh-so unfashionable blue paint that just didn't match their red blouses at all. How could this have happened?

We slowly infiltrated the building, changing tapes of all kind of ITV shows with proper BBC shows such as The History of Antiques, What Vlad Tepes did for us, and the Weakest Link, until we came to the Fanclub's stronghold, the server room. We busted into the room, guns blazing, hitting systems left and right with the so very clashing green and pink paint, making the fans of various makeover programs complain and surrender in silence.

In the end, with casualties on both sides, it came down to the final stand. Ant and Dec, working on our server, uploading their vicious information, and Psythor, history buff and technical mastermind, his knowledge of the Matrix-trilogy so vast that he knows and can execute every move, ready to fight it out.

Entering bullet time, their moves appeared to speed up before our eyes. A few shots were fired. One shot missed James and fired past, hitting Typhlosion in the chest, who fell back, while a second appeared to hit him. Ant and Dec, at almost the same time, were both hit, reeling backwards and into, unfortunately, the server. Sparks flew and, for some reason, half of the keyboard exploded as if there were plasma conduits running inside it.

A second round was fired, one hitting a server behind the bystanders, a second hitting Joeno, who smashed against the wall behind, for some odd reason flying partway through it and revealing some loose-hanging wires. At the same time, Ant and Dec were both hit again, destroying more systems and only stopping as they hit the walls.

With the two presenters disabled, the battle seemed over. James approached the server, as well as Ant and Dec, to restart it, as the rest of us moved in to restrain Ant and Dec. We were not, however, prepared for the final attack. Desperate to stop us, Ant fired one last shot, but the shot did not hit James. Instead, it stopped a few inches (or centimetres, depending on your preferred system) short of him, and he turned to face it. He grabbed the shot and threw it on the ground, at which point the ITV fanclub realised they were defeated. Television was safe from crap shows again, and the internet had avoided them again... for now.

So, now the world is safe again, and we have restored our server, we finally get the chance to properly send our message. Happy 19th birthday James, and may many more follow!

Story may not be entirely true due to geographical and other practical reasons. Offer void where prohibited.