Reported by Joeno on Sun 28 Aug 2011 23:00:31 UTC

Happy birthday Mike! It's your twenty-second, enjoy it... it's only once every eleven years that your age is made up of the same digit twice.

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In our yearly series of birthday posts, we try to give you an insight into the person our birthday boy... birthday man is. Having seen such things as what he likes and how he is as an evil overlord, we now feel it's important to honour him by giving you some insight into ways to appease him... in particular through the food he eats.

Despite apeparances, admins do not have a diet consisting solely of iron nails, rusty locks and depleted uranium. While they may be a necessary part, and Mike is a major proponent of these, for enjoyment there are other food items Mike enjoys. Here is a selection, gained through future investigation at the buffet we'll be enjoying in about a week's time. We're that good. *

Dessert

To form a counterpoint to his gruff exterior (an act exactly 17.60392% of the time), Mike loves his desserts. In a scientific test, it has been proven that 78.32% of the time, he will pick dessert over any other food item, growing to 99.33% when not including food items mentioned in this list.

The type of dessert matters little, as long as it's sweet. Bright colours and artificial smells preferred, but more natural items are liked, and chocolate parts are always a good thing. Your best way to escape Mike (other than making sure you don't need to escape from him) is to throw ice cream at him. Many arguments have been resolved by telling Mike he'll get Ben & Jerry's if he relents.

Burgers

As mentioned last year, Mike likes his burgers. Whether it's a plain one, bun and burger, or something excessive, with three patties, four layers of bacon, seven types of salad-resembling in between parts, a bit of chicken and six sauces, it's all good for him. The above, from an actual Burger King promotion, left Mike taking three Burger King employees hostage until they agreed to his demands and gave him a decade's supply of Pikachu burgers. We wish that was a joke. It would have made for more varied eating during past meets.

Cookies

The perfect way to cheer up Mike at any time, such as when he's failed to get a shiny Oshawott for the 47th time running, give him a few cookies to make his day and make him feel appreciated. The best are handmade, cinnamon flavoured, and made by fellow admins with superior cooking ability.

We've tried this on him, and it seems to have helped. It also resulted in slight heart attacks when the origin of the cookies wasn't immediately clear, but cinnamon solves all problems... even if they're Pokemon related and the cookies can't immediately change anything.

Macaroni and Cheese

Simple, plain, straight forward, and lovingly calorific, sometimes that's all an admin needs after a long day of torturing Manchester City fans to make them support clubs that are simply better.

Cute, defenseless creatures

Sometimes, the best way for a ruthless admin to relax is by showing his merciless side, taking care of his anger by taking it out on some poor, sweet, defenseless creature whose instinct is not to run away, but instead to hug everything in sight. As these hugs are as annoying, they encourage ruthless behaviour in those of a less than happy disposition.

The preferred way of consumption seems to be that of having it in one bite... but that's the point where we usually turn away. Unless we're as hungry, of course.

* Food listed for example purposes only. Food might not actually be liked by Mike and may make him active hostile. Be aware he may bite. Keep rabies and tetanus shots handy, just in case.

Happy birthday Mike! Enjoy whatever your birthday dinner will be!

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